I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
