I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
