I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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