in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
