How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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