Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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