today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
