so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
