I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
