So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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