great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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