she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
