Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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