How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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