Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
