well I can't set my house on fire every night
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
