you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Farmville is her only friend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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