My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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