You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
