woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
