His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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