Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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