a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
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