Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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