he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
