Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
