Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the day after is always just damage control
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
