i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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