why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
