he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just high enough for therapy.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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