I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
