I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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