There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
