In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize