I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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