Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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