Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
