drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
