I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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