Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize