proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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