I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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