Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
