my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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