3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
