those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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