Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize