Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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