My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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