My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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