You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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