Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
