And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
