i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
