i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
