I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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