i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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