I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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