Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
