i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
