our cab driver is having phone sex.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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