All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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