I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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