New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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