you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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